Hello there fellow soul entrepreneur! If you’ve made it to this page, then you are like myself, a once stuck in the ruts dreamer, willing to do anything for just a chance at the big times, eternal damnation? Ha! Whats more eternally damning then being forced to live a life of mediocrity and broken dreams?
But I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself, “Yeah selling my soul sounds good but I’ve heard so many negative stories about people being tricked and unhappy!” an understandable worry to have! But lucky for you I’ve created a step by step guide to assist you in this very difficult of transactions, to create an offer that you and the Devil can both agree on and go home happy.
8. Contact the Devil
Firstly, forget the Ouija board. contrary to popular opinion, the Ouija board is a terrible way to contact the dark prince, the Ouija board was created by Hasbro, many generations ago to summon the recently departed, and unfortunately the occasional poltergeist, and thus using the board to contact the Devil is like calling DSHS to speak with the President…A better option would be:
Create a satanic summoning alter
To do this you will need the following items: The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin, a rock and roll mix tape, pro choice pamphlets and a recently married gay couple, oh and dont forget the inverted pentagram, white chalk preferred! Now with all the neccessary items needed, you should be good to go! But if you’re low on any of these ingredients, you can always just make a quick call to the Devils official lair: Comcast Customer Support. ( But expect to be on the phone for a good few hours).
7. Research Your Soul’s True Worth
This one is very important, you should never walk into a negotiation without first researching what your soul is truly worth, use consumer reports. Once you have a good grasp on the value of your soul, prepare to play hard ball.
6. Start Higher Than Your Settling Price
The Devil is well known as a brilliant business man, he will take you for all your worth and leave you with a crappy deal if you’re not careful, is your goal to become a famous musician? Start by requesting musical talent on the level of Freddie Mercury, and prepare to settle for Adam Levine, dont go asking for too much though, if you go too high, and request the world, the devil may laugh at you and you’ll get nowhere.
5. Be as Descriptive and Detailed as Possible
The Devil will try anything and everything he can within the contract you two sign to fuck you over, so its VERY important you spend as much time as possible filling in every single loop hole, and thats why you should…
4. Get a Lawyer
Trust me. Going head to head with the Devil is a good way to get burnt, literally. If there is one thing the devil fears, its lawyers, with good reason, a lawyer will do their best to fight for the best offer on your soul, but keep in mind, legal fees can be costly, so I recommend fit in “money for legal fees” in the contract. After you both are happy with the contract, you will need to…
3. Make a Plan and Stick to it
Lets be honest, 80 years is a blink of an eye compared to eternal damnation, that’s why you must use this time given as efficiently as possible, party it up non stop! But be sure to keep track of the time going by and hit every single item on your bucket list, make it worth it!
2. Request Immortality
This is a big loop hole that the devil has heard many times and has probably found a way to challenge and will likely decline the offer, but if you make it worth his while then you might make out as a bandit! Because you cant suffer eternal damnation when you die if you never die! Yes, having to watch everyone you love die around you, and time progress to the point others look down on you as a modern human would on a neanderthal will be its own eternal hell, it still beats being an eternal sex slave to Satan…Or not because…
1. Hell is Really Not So Bad
That’s right, its not, think about it, envision all the types of people that exist in heaven, did you envision Westboro Baptist churchers, bible thumpers and your super racist uncle that goes to church every sunday? Well you should because they will be up there, and who’s in hell? Free thinkers, scientists, athiests, rockstars, movie stars, I mean even freaking Ghandi will be there, and every other non christian person, so when you think about it, Hell actually sounds like a pretty banging party. So if you’re worried about the inevitable transfer of your soul to the devil, ask yourself, even at its potential worst, can it really be as bad as being forced to go to sunday church for eternity?! Exactly.
So dear readers, I hope this list has helped you plan accordingly for your upcoming meeting with The Devil and calmed some of the worries you may have had. Remember, be smart! Be confident! And go get em!